January, 2004

Welcome to the first anniversary issue of Coaching Mastery News, a monthly newsletter for professionals committed to excellence in coaching. Each issue focuses on a theme that emerges in coaching relationships. What questions or issues would you like to see addressed in Coaching Mastery News? Email your suggestions to Lisa@livingwithintention.com. Your feedback and questions are greatly appreciated. If you wish to share this newsletter with your network, please pass it along! If you would like to unsubscribe, simply send me an email with unsubscribe CMN in the subject line.
 
Lisa Kramer

 

The Conscious Relationship: Coaching with Couples*
For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult task of all…,
the work for which all other work is but preparation. It is a high inducement to the individual to ripen…a great exacting chain upon us, something that chooses us out and calls us to vast things.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

Most of my clients hire me to assist them in making changes in their professional lives. Since coaching addresses the whole person, we typically focus on other life areas in addition to career during the course of the coaching relationship. One of those areas is referred to as ‘significant other/romance’ on the Life Wheel. As clients make changes in their lives, their love relationship may require some attention in response to the changes. An important outcome of coaching is greater self-awareness, so it makes perfect sense for clients to desire a more conscious love relationship as well.

The Conscious Relationship

In his best-selling book Getting the Love You Want, psychologist Harville Hendrix offers a definition for a conscious relationship, “a relationship that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth; a relationship created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed, to be whole” (Harville Hendrix, 1988).

How can you assist your clients to achieve a more conscious relationship?

You may choose to work individually with clients on the relationship area of their lives, and you may also work with couples who desire relationship coaching. For the most part, the methodology used in relationship coaching is similar to individual coaching in terms of defining values and life purpose, creating a vision, developing an action plan and then implementing the plan.

In order for relationship coaching to be successful, the coach must also be able to:

  • design a coaching alliance with both partners simultaneously
  • assist the couple in designing a shared relationship vision in addition to their personal visions
  • assist the couple to develop and implement an action plan that honors the relationship as well as each partner’s values
  • model authenticity in communicating effectively with both partners and assist the couple in doing the same

The Shared Relationship Vision

Whether you work individually with a client or with both partners simultaneously, it is important that each couple create a shared relationship vision. The process of designing a shared vision enables couples to consciously explore and articulate what they want from the relationship and from each other.

Directions for designing a shared relationship vision

  • Step 1: On a blank sheet of paper, describe the positive qualities you enjoy about your relationship. Now write about your ‘dream’ relationship, including the positive qualities that exist already and the ones you desire. It is helpful to refer to your personal vision and the Life Wheel to complete this exercise. What aspects of your personal vision include your partner? How will your top values be honored through your vision? Write your vision in the present tense as if it already exists. Language your sentences in the positive (we maintain a healthy lifestyle by eating healthy and exercising together, NOT we are not overweight and inactive); keep them descriptive, clear and concise.
  • Step 2: Share your vision with your partner. On a separate sheet of paper, write the heading “shared relationship vision”. Begin by listing the aspects of both visions that overlap. Next, add the parts of each vision that one partner included and the other partner agrees with. If there are parts of each vision that one partner included that the other partner does not agree with, set them aside to be addressed at a later time.
  • Step 3: Each partner ranks on a scale of one through ten the level of importance for each item on the shared relationship vision. They then circle each of their top three items.
  • Step 4: Begin to establish an action plan by setting one or two goals for each of the top three items.

There will be items on the shared vision that couples will agree are most important, and there will be items that one partner will feel is more important than the other partner. The places where partners differ typically represent growth areas for each partner, requiring them to stretch out of their comfort zone to accommodate the other person.

Here’s an example: In creating a shared relationship vision, Karen recognized that one aspect of her relationship with her partner that was missing for her was participating in fun activities together. This included going for hikes and bike rides, playing games together at home, and socializing with friends. While Jim also wanted to engage in these activities with Karen, he felt consumed by his job and by all of the handiwork that needed to be completed in the home they recently purchased. Through coaching, Jim realized that he had developed a pattern of ‘all work and no play’. He wanted more balance between work and leisure, and he began to make time to do fun activities with Karen. They also had fun working on house projects together.

Recommended reading: Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, by Harville Hendrix, PhD.

*for more information about Relationship Coaching with Couples, see Upcoming Events listed below

COACHING MASTERY UPDATE

 

A masterful coach lives inside of you. You’ve experienced being ‘in the zone’ during a coaching conversation when time stands still, and you and your client connect on a deeper level. You’ve also had coaching conversations that require more effort. Perhaps you get distracted by something your client says, or an event in your own life interferes with your ability to be fully present with your client. You hang up the phone, and the masterful coach inside of you asks, “how could I handle that differently next time?”

Coaching Mastery™ explores important questions and challenges that arise for coaches in their coaching relationships. Coaching Mastery telegroups, facilitated by Lisa Kramer, an experienced coach and veteran coach training teleclass leader, provides coaches with a safe learning environment to further develop their coaching excellence.
You will leave with a clear affirmation of what you already know as well as creative ideas and strategies that will inspire you to try something new with your clients.

Here’s what one participant had to say about her recent group experience:
The Coaching Mastery Group was fabulous! It was a great opportunity to hang out and share with other coaches. I appreciated the unique perspectives that each coach brought to a situation and how we were able to build on each others strengths. Lisa's skillful facilitation and leadership skills gently invited everyone to participate while challenging all of us to step into the mastery of coaching."
Pat Kilgannon, PCC http://coaching4success.com

Coaching Mastery Level I and Level II telegroups for Winter, 2004:

Level I: This group is best suited for professionals who have been coaching for 18 months or less. You may currently be in a coach training program or recently completed one. Level I coaches are stepping into their professional identity as coach and are focused on gaining confidence and competence in their coaching skills and style of coaching.

The Level I group will meet on SIX Mondays February 2, 9, 23, Mar 1, 8, and 15 from 7-8pm EST.

Level II: Level II is for coaches who have been actively coaching for at least two years, who are working with several clients at a given time and have completed coach training. Level II coaches are confident in their coaching, and they are focused on being masterful at their craft.

The Level II group will meet on SIX Mondays Feb 2, 9, 23, Mar 1, 8 and 15 from 2 – 3pm EST.

Investment - $250
Includes handouts, class notes and exercises

Curious about Coaching Mastery? Interested in a complimentary individual Coaching Mastery session? Contact Lisa Kramer at (610) 527-4511 or lisa@livingwithintention.com

Upcoming Events:

 

January 23, 2004: Accessing Our Inner Wisdom
Led by Lisa Kramer and Geri Kelly
Bryn Mawr College Graduate School of Social Work and Social Research
CE Credits available for licensed social workers
For more information, contact the School of Social Work Continuing Education Office at (610) 520-2602

February 26, 2004: Introduction to Professional Coaching
(preconference workshop)
Led by Lisa Kramer and Mary Loiselle
Association for Women in Psychology 2004 Conference, Philadelphia, PA
Perspectives on Women's Well Being: Feminist Psychology, Science, & Practice
For more information, visit www.webmavens.org/awp2004

March 10 – April 28, 2004: Relationship Coaching with Couples
Led by Lisa Kramer
Institute for Life Coach Training Advanced Coaching Class Do you coach couples or are you looking to expand your coaching practice to include couples? This eight-week telecourse will provide you with a coaching model and structure for working with couples who want to create more fulfilling relationships in their lives. For more information visit: HERE

April 17, 2004: Business Success Partnerships – The Power of Two
Led by Lisa Kramer and Colleen Bracken
Philadelphia Area Coaches Alliance Coaching Expo, Gregg Conference Center, Bryn Mawr, PA For more information, visit: http://www.coachingexpo.com/presenters.htm

 

Copyright © 2004. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy, or distribute the Coaching Mastery™ News as long as nothing is added, changed, or deleted, and this copyright notice is attached. The author is Lisa Kramer, Living with Intention Coaching, Training and Coaching Mastery™ www.livingwithintention.com