| June, 2003 | |
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Cherishment This month’s issue of Coaching Mastery News takes on a slightly different focus. While it still applies to Coaching Mastery, it is a personal account of a recent experience that resulted in a transformational shift in my 22-year relationship with my husband, Eric. In May, Eric and I participated in a weekend-long couples’ workshop called Cherishment, led by an extraordinary duo, Hedy and Yumi Schleifer. Hedy is a gifted couples’ therapist, and she and her husband, Yumi, lead workshops for singles and couples around the world based on the work of Dr. Harville Hendrix, the creator of Imago Relationship Therapy. According to the Schleifers, Cherishment is defined as “the warm, tender, affectionate, indulgent, adoring love that babies expect before they can speak of it, and that we all desire our whole life long. Cherishment is fundamentally about safety. It is telepathic, paralinguistic and does not need the medium of language. It is communicated directly heart to heart.” As the name Cherishment suggests, the focus of the weekend was on appreciation---for each other and for the relationship that each couple had co-created. Eric and I had decided to participate in the workshop to shift our attention from what wasn’t working in our relationship to what was. We could not have picked a better environment to achieve that goal! To set the stage for the weekend, Hedy asked the group to brainstorm what needed to be placed ‘on the shelf’ so that each person could be fully present for the workshop. The list included anger, fear, disappointment, the past, the future. We then did a similar exercise, brainstorming everything that would be included in the workshop such as risk-taking, compassion, appreciation, and vulnerability. We were now ready for the first experiential exercise. Hedy began by explaining that cherishment is linked to the limbic brain, the seat of loving emotion. The limbic connection established between parent and child sets the pattern for loving connections throughout one’s life. Because the limbic connection is paralinguistic, for each exercise we were instructed to sit face-to-face with our partners, gazing into each other’s eyes. The purpose of maintaining eye contact throughout the exercises was to allow each couple to experience a limbic connection with their partners, one that would create new patterns to replace the imprinted ones from our past that no longer served us. While it sounded great in theory, the intimacy of gazing into my partner’s eyes for an extended period of time felt very uncomfortable for me. With Hedy’s loving coaching, Eric and I agreed to set our ‘stuff’ aside and to be open to what the workshop had to offer. By focusing our attention from what wasn’t working to what we appreciated about each other, an amazing shift occurred. We opened our hearts to the other with the lovingkindness of a Buddha. As we engaged in each exercise, peering deeply into each other’s eyes from a place of lovingkindness, new images began to form in our limbic brains to replace the old, less-than-optimal ones. By the workshop’s end, we had renewed optimism and commitment to our marriage. While it has only been a month since the Cherishment workshop, its impact continues to guide us. It is truly a testament to what is possible when attention shifts from what’s wrong to what’s right! Now back to Coaching Mastery--- In their book A General Theory of Love, psychiatrists Lewis, Amini and Lannon, draw from the latest research in neuroscience to demonstrate the following: the limbic brain provides us with the ability to discern what other people are thinking and feeling, to read their cues, and to connect emotionally with them. Unlike the neocortex which is the seat of rational thought, the limbic brain is grounded in intuition. As stated above in the definition of Cherishment, from the moment we are born our limbic brains are preadapted to connect with our caretakers just as the limbic brains of our caretakers are designed to connect with us. Lewis et al. call this limbic resonance. Limbic resonance is the fundamental way we are connected to other people---our lovers, our children, our friends, our clients. These relationships are also physiological in nature---as human beings, our connections with others impact our immune system, heart rate, metabolic function, and hormone levels. In the coaching relationship, the deep connection established between coach and client offers both a rich opportunity to experience limbic resonance that transcends way beyond the confines of the relationship. It is at the heart of what makes coaching so powerful and the reason for the ripple effect that coaching has on those whose lives are impacted by it. A General Theory of Love. Thomas Lewis, M.D., Fari Amini, M.D. & Richard Lannon, M.D., Vintage Books, 2001. For
more information about Hedy and Yumi Schleifer, visit their
website – www.hedyyumi.org
COACHING MASTERY UPDATE
Coaching Mastery, facilitated by Lisa Kramer, an experienced coach and veteran coach training leader, provides coaches with a safe learning environment to further develop their coaching excellence. Coaches can choose between individual, duo or group Coaching Mastery, depending upon your learning preference. The next Coaching Mastery telegroup series will begin in September, 2003. For more information and to schedule a complimentary Coaching Mastery session, contact Lisa at lisa@livingwithintention.com or (610) 527-4511.
"The Coaching Mastery Group was fabulous! It was
a great opportunity to hang out and share with masterful coaches.
I appreciated the unique perspectives that each coach brought
to a situation and how we were able to build on each others
strengths. Lisa's skillful facilitation and leadership skills
gently invited everyone to participate while challenging all
of us to step into the mastery of coaching."
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