For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult task of all…,
the work for which all other work is but preparation. It is a high inducement to the individual to ripen…a great exacting claim upon us, something that chooses us out and calls us to vast things.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

As a professional coach, I engage in conversation with my clients about their purpose, their vision for a fulfilling life, their dreams and desires. Our work is focused on narrowing the gap between where they are and where they want to be. In relationship coaching with couples, there is another layer ---the relationship vision---in addition to each partner’s personal vision. The relationship vision is designed by both partners, and the process of co-creating it enables couples to consciously explore and then articulate what they want from the relationship and from each other. From there the work focuses on narrowing the gap between where the couple is now and where they want to be. Important questions are: how does each partner’s personal vision fit with the vision for the relationship? Conversely, how does the relationship vision fit with each partner’s personal vision? The answers to these questions are essential in order for couples to create a conscious relationship---to love with intention.

In his best-selling book Getting the Love You Want, psychologist Harville Hendrix defines a conscious relationship, “a relationship that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth; a relationship created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed, to be whole” (Harville Hendrix, 1988). According to Hendrix’s Imago theory, in a committed partnership each individual carries the blueprint for the other’s psychological and spiritual growth. What this means is that the needs and desires of one partner are exactly what the other partner must satisfy in order to become whole themselves. In relationship coaching, the process of creating a shared vision and then developing and implementing a plan to achieve the vision is how this blueprint becomes real. There are aspects of the shared vision where both partners are in agreement; there is a fit between each partner’s personal vision and the vision for the relationship. That is the easy part! There are also aspects of the vision where partners differ. It is precisely these areas of difference that provide the greatest opportunity for growth because they require each partner to stretch out of their comfort zone to accommodate their partner. And that stretching is fertile ground for psychological and spiritual growth! It is the essence of agape, which Hendrix defines as “the self-transformational act of caring absolutely and unconditionally for another in the exact way they need to be cared for.”

Coaching Mastery Illustration
After being consumed with the responsibilities of raising three children, Bob and Cindy decided to work with a coach to rekindle the passion in their marriage. In creating a shared relationship vision, Cindy realized that one aspect of her relationship with Bob that was missing for her was making time each day to connect in some meaningful way. This included going for a walk, sitting at the kitchen table talking, playing a game or snuggling in the bedroom. While Bob also wanted to make time to connect with Cindy, he felt consumed by his job and all of the work that needed to be completed in the home they recently purchased. Through coaching, Bob realized that his constant busyness was a way he isolated himself from Cindy. He was not aware of his behavior until he and Cindy began to discuss their vision for their relationship. By honoring Cindy’s request for making time to connect each day, Bob learned how to be more present in his relationship with her. This deepened their connection, and it also helped Bob to become more present in other areas of his life, including his relationships with his three children.

The beauty of stretching to meet our partner’s needs is that we also benefit. In the example above, Bob had to stretch out of his comfort zone of chronic busyness to connect with Cindy. In doing so, he not only demonstrated to Cindy his deep caring for her, he also recognized how much he was missing in his life by constantly doing instead of being. This awareness had a ripple effect on his entire family.

*Recommended reading: Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Harper & Row, 1988.

Announcing Loving with Intention: A Guide for Relationship Coaching
by Lisa Kramer.
I am pleased to announce the second book in the Coaching Mastery™ Series, available July, 2005.
Look for more details in the May issue of Coaching Mastery News!

To order Coaching with Intention, the first book in the series, visit www.livingwithintention.com